| ksurhsoj |
[09 Aug 2007|01:49pm] |
You know its a funny thing. At first you fall for it all. Oh how fucking lovely it is. You get all sappy and believe every word like they aren't all tricky lies. Then when you realized you've been living a lie you try and maintain composure. This doesn't work. You get all retardedly sad missing something they never felt. Waste of time. Really it is. Then you act all fucking stupid for 2 weeks about the whole thing. Then at the three week mark you gain your independence back. You realize how stupid the whole thing was. You remember they were flawed in many ways. That this pedestal you put them on is something they never deserved. You find out what this person is really like. Its not the fucking good qualities and traits you notice. Those are fake. And then, your done with the whole thing. You wonder why you would even wanna be friends with a person so good at making everyone feel like shit. So good at looking you in the eyes and lying.
And thats my recollection. But hey you can agree or disagree.
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| I wish. |
[23 Jul 2007|10:15pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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I just kind of need to get some shit off my chest. SO here we are again. I'm still heartbroken about josh. I wouldn't care if it wasn't progressed like it would last. Up until the very last hour we were making plans for the future, he was calling me gorgeous and awesome. I just wish I wasn't tricked soo good. I wish I saw it coming. I wish I didn't feel like I deserved a guy like him. I wish I never knew that I could do better than I was doing. I'm going to miss so much about him. he's just so motivated. He's such a good fucking kid. He's going in all the right directions. If he actually didn't lie to me about the reason he did, I understand why he did it. It does make so much sense. Unfortunately I haven't reached that happy for him point. Soon enough. He's got such strength and such curiosity and such a good head on his shoulders. I'll miss his eyes and his body and his stretchmarks showing strength and motivation. I'll miss the way he looked at me. I'll miss how he was my fucking dreamguy. He was mentally and physically gorgeous. I'll miss the way he could make me feel like I looked like a million bucks with greasy hair and makeup running down my face mumbling from a hangover. I'll miss how he held me every night when we went to sleep and Ill miss how happy he looked in the morning to see me. I'll miss looking right in his eyes while we fucked. I'll miss the way it made me feel, like it was real like something that would last. All a bunch of shit. I'll miss how he was on my ass to quit butts and to go school. I miss how much confidence he had in me and how happy and proud of me he seemed to be. I'll miss all those really fucking great people I met from him. I'll miss partying with him. I'll miss kissing him and laying around with him. I just wish we didn't work so well. I wish I screamed in his face with all the emotion I felt in that one moment and left. I wish I didn't wake up next to him with his warm arms around me yesterday. I wish I didn't look him in the eyes and know it was the last hour. I wish he wanted this like I do. I wish he wasn't smart enough to realize how unimportant relationships are when your building a life. I wish I could see him. I wish I was strong and beautiful like he says. I wish I knew how to rely on myself. I feel so drained in all these years. I feel so fucking drained. I'm so sick of getting used to my life and having the walls cave in. I can't keep adjusting. I wish someone would tell me how he felt. I wish I knew if it even slightly affects him. I wish I knew it was all the truth. I wish I felt this was for the better not the worse. I wish it wasn't going to kill me when he finds someone else. I gotta stop this shit. And looking at his pictures. This is what you get when you fall in 2 months. Sad isnt it? Thats how bad I fucking wanted this. I don't know how I'll stay friends with him. I started hooking up with him like 2 hours after I met him. I don't have anything to go back to. The only josh I knew was the one hooking up with me. But I want him around so bad. So fucking bad.
And fuck jon for ditching me tonight. fucking dick.
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| yeah |
[22 Jul 2007|01:27am] |
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Ive never felt better replasping in my life. josh broke my heart. Im going to hate this but im okay. I wish I had someones shoulder to cry on. but I see why I don't. I think Im going to kaits. Idk.
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| Im helping out my drug dealer friend who cant use the car |
[14 May 2005|07:06pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
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music |
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ba da ba da bah bah! |
] |
I figured I should update to tell you all that I got played.
Yeah it didnt work out as I planned. Even though I planned it not working out. I told myself it would be the last time I let him break my heart but I feel like its not the end. Although it should be.
I love getting fucked with. And getting fucked up. So for now I will deal with both occuring. Just so you know I went running back to the other boy too. Yeah Im that predictable and evil. Maybe I deserve to get played.
Its a Saturday. I got like 5 days of school left. Good shit. Umass dartmouth next year. I got a small amount of hope for the future.
Imma get drunk tonight. YEAAAHHHHH.
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| you were on fire |
[18 Aug 2004|09:40am] |
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mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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smashing pumpkins - 1979 |
] |
hmm lets see. So some shits changing. Like this journals friends only after this entry. I know just like the other journal people who shouldnt know my business will read it. I could careless about people reading this shit if I can't read about their everyday lifes. As a matter of fact potentially bad people reading this is happening already. So hi. And Im sorry but goodbye.
Chill? chill.
I'm hanging out with Kyle today.Who would've guessed? But he's fun. And I don't think I have to see tyler today. How the hell they gonna last a day apart though? But no one will be yelling in my ear today. Then Kyle's going driving 3-6 while Im at work. Im getting jealous. No on fucking takes me driving.haha. And thats the exact reason I have to cancel my test tomorrow. I can't 3 point turn or back up straight.My moms like its not my responsibilty.
Im like what? hello?
I think I got sick again. Oh hell no.
My head is so mixed up. I don't know. I should live more for the moment but not do anything I wont regret too much. But I hate being predictable and I can't tell the difference between my head and my heart. Grrr..
Im listening to all my old mixes. I have weird taste in music. Its on System of a Down marmalade or how ever the hell you spell it. Its 9:30 in the morning. I honestly don't care how you spell it.
Im getting all my anxiety back again. I hate that. Its funny because I feel like I got it all under controll but the next second I think about the fair and work and my money for glasses and my last year of high school and I'm like gasping for air and my whole body is like dying and yuck its gross. It gets like 9230048760487 times worse when school starts.
Im getting a tatoo. Oh wow Im so excited. Its just my initials (CEM)in little kind of cursive swirly type writing on my shoulder blade. I know ouch Its sort of a thing to both my dad and mom because since my dad was like 16 hes had his initials on his arm. I always liked it for some weird reason and I know my last name will change some day and my dad wont live forever so I know I can't regret it. And I wanted KEM but since I'm :sighs: Catherine, my moms like nooo C!!! But hey if she'll bring me then Im allover the C. She's right too. Im just whiney. Ooooh Im excited.
Alex and Corey are pretty good again. I don't know what the future holds for the trio but we shall see.
I have no more enemies. Thats strange. Me and Melissa at work get along now. Despite the many times I've offered to tear off her head and shit down her throat. It's okay. Someones gotta be a starmarket slut whore. oooh burn. I wish Lance was here to read that shit.
Anyone ever seen Party Monster? Good movie but its fucked up. I'm just not to positive about seth green in makeup...
shit son I forget what the fuck I was thinking.
My window says merry christmas in fake snow. Im screwed when my mom reads it. But for now, I will just laugh. I remember one time I even sprayed the Tv with the words tv so my brother wouldnt get confused... he was like KATE!!! WHAT IS THAT.
Its about that time that I get ready, so I must be leaving. I'll probably update after work or something.
Peace out guys.
P.S this is the last public entry. Sucka'sssss..
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[18 Aug 2004|12:14am] |
yay..
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| Grilled.... |
[17 Aug 2004|07:16pm] |
Hello. How are you? Wow thats awesome.
Im at Kyles again (ex b/f of 2 years).. that was for the new people. I slept at Coreys last night with cousin bethany. We watched 200 cigarettes and the butterfly effect. Then at like 4:20 this morning after we gooned I got bored and watched 8 mile. Crazy shit.
Did I tell anyone I almost had to fight bitches at the mall? haha. Yeah I walked by all these gross people at hot topic and gagged as loud as I could. 3 of the ugliest people I've ever seen.. they were also like 12.. they gave me dirty looks and followed me for a bit. The people at that store are so snobby and rude and I always get this horrible looks all the time there. So Im like later hot topic you moms out front.
Im way too high. Its good shit though.
Im waiting for Kyle and Tyler. Dude if I ever write kyke im not racist Im just fucking shitty at typing.
Me and Robin are having funny little conversations.
Im waiting for alex to get here. Hooka rips.
Aww Robin and Ky are fighting. Peace. I know Kyle gets dumb sometimes but shhh everyone be nice and happy.
So I guess somehow corey has strep throat. Which is weird. Im pretty sure she has tonsils of death. 3 doctors all gave a different opinion of the same cold. What the hells that. These people are supposed to be smart and know. Not just take an out of the blue guess. Jesus.
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| no one ever said it would be this hard |
[16 Aug 2004|07:54pm] |
So today was odd.
Thought the bong was gone. Some asshole threw it in my dirty
clothes pile.I know its gross but come on guys.
So I woke up at like 3 again. Sleeping ins good shit. Mike stays
online with me I love it.
I got some people to read this shit now. Crazy.
Kennys dumb. All I want is to bring lots of people and pot brownies to
hempfest and hes like fuck it. Lets blaze there. Even though theres
like 28982962 cops.This kid is a shady motherfucker too. Hes like oh
well I'll get arrested. Good attitude.
So Kirby and Alex just showed up at my house with a bowl stuff. Actually
it was just resin. They didnt tell me that though. I was like yippee.
So Im going to Coreys to watch movies and chill and shit. So I must go get
ready.
I'll update again later zogs.
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| I did not care what they called me.. |
[16 Aug 2004|12:49am] |
So I'm chilling. Its a sunday night. Mondays my day off. I think I shall stay up a bit. I got rejected from the stoner community. Kind of a dumb concept to judge other stoners anyways though. Oh well..
I went to Kyle's today. My life's interesting isnt it guys? Chilled with Dana and Tyler and Kait. Me and Tyler left
with Jill and Alex to go to duxbury. We blazed a lot. Saw tripping kids. Got fast food and went to kyles again to get
higher. Watched some Fast and Furious and some Super troopers throughouot the day. Tyler fell in love with the guy
at mcdonalds and repeatedly said I want you inside me. Then they held hands. Tylers fucked up. And was drunk ha.
haha I forgot to mention yesterday that corey stated this about mike:
"drop it like its hot"
good shit. good idea.
I bought a huge g today. But I smoked it all. Too bad.
ahhh roaches. beautiful. Im watching clueless. Im really high. Thats why I love smoking alone.
I just said oh snap. haha fuck me.
Me and Alex walked our asses home tonight. Im damn proud.
corey I got spiderman(speedermin for those unaware) I just blazed outta it. haha. Get well soon
and take me shopping and blazing..
Peace out.. my moms here
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| I wrote this offline last night |
[15 Aug 2004|03:23pm] |
I hate this family. Assholes. They're like you can't go online past 12. What the hells that? Im 17. I think
I can handle it. I hate this. Stuff like this just sets me off. Errrrrrrr.
Then Coreys like I said I'd go to hempfest I never said I'd smoke. I'll be like hey Corey isn't it so cool to be at
drug mania completely sober and straightedge with a bunch of blazed kids and surrounded by them too? Grrr...
Wtf quitting is getting so gay its her life and if she does good in school people should just fucking stay off her ass.
She's going to be 18. Shes legally allowed to make her own decisions. I just wanted to quit with her because I don't
want peoples feelings hurt and I don't like the half and half. This is gay.She doesn't realize if she keeps smoking
she wont be able to stop. If she even gets drug tested. I'm sorry its that way Corey but I'm telling you it wont work
something will fuck it up.
I got fucked over today too with michelle and people and parents. Im sick of this shit.
I got fucked over at work today too.
I have no fucking money again.
Just fucking shoot me I don't want to be with the anxiety anymore. Im just waiting for my head to pop
and me to fucking die, or atleast it feels like that. I feel so weak crying but I don't know how to fix
anything and I don't know how to make it better.
I just want to die. I hate this feeling. I just want to tear myself apart and not go to the hospital.
I need my sedatives. Im getting that out of control feeling again.. I need to be dumbed down by
that stupid pill and just forget how fake everything is.
Im so miserable and lonely. Its middle school allover again kids.
**written last night**
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| Im at Kyles |
[13 Aug 2004|01:24pm] |
So lets see whats new since I last updated..
Went to Kyles. Blazed out of the new hooka with beavis and michelle and tyler and alex and such.. good day. I played this ps2 game mr.mosquito I sucked at it. It was okay though.
Its pouring outside. I need so much pizza. I wanna run in it.
I called corey and Nana answered the phone and I was like uhhh wrong number.. hahahaha cor.
I really wish I didn't have to work tonight. I wanna rock out. All night.
gotta go blaze.. kyle calls ill write later
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| aww Im lonely |
[12 Aug 2004|02:08am] |
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dude I need a guy at some point this summer. I just realized that. hmm thats too bad isn't it. theres one im afraid to tell about that id hook up with (drunkenly prefferably) that I never tell anyone about.. haha u wish you knew
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| Kayti and Corey go to movies |
[12 Aug 2004|01:14am] |
Today was a good day. I saw Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.. with Corey. So we blazed. oooh good shit. Good movie too. Hell yeah.
wooo im stoned
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| I've never been this disappointed before |
[11 Aug 2004|06:43pm] |
umm.. I lost my best friend. If you see her see responds to the name corey and shes wonderful. Just umm not right now..
call me if you find her..
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[11 Aug 2004|06:06pm] |
Im fucking with mike. Its good shit. He's so gay. I don't know just yuck. Hes like all your friends suck. Im like what about your friends? you don't have any.
Anyways.. today I smoked with Alex,Kirby,Eric and kenny. Kenny is still here. We smoked from coreys papers again. Kenny's passing.
Kyle's being a douchebag. But its okay. I think I'll just sleep tonight. Its been a long day.
I'm still sick...
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| Kenny cut his hairs.. |
[10 Aug 2004|11:59pm] |
So hmm today..
I tried updating and got kicked off. I hate that shit. Long ass entry too. Okay today I felt even worse than yesterday and my bomb medicine doesn't work anymore.
Kenny cut his hairs.. so now they're all little and blonde haha. yeah for kenny and alopecia.
Mike has lyme disease. Cant get drunk. I dont know how hes still alive..
I chilled with michelle and blazed fluffy commersh. Alex said Corey was asleep so I didnt get to blaze with her on her actual last day of blazing...
but her bowl was scraped and a joint was rolled from her papers.
alex is in some shit.. wish it wasnt happening this way.. shes prolly gunna leave
Im eating chicken soup.. damn nyquil is kicking in..
peace
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| So this is my new journal |
[09 Aug 2004|09:37pm] |
Yeah I have livejournal now. Alex and Corey both have livejournals so we are all together now. We have a grape joint. coreys quitting smoking pot. Im being rushed. Im on lots of adderol yippee.Today has been a nice day. I dont even feel sick anymore.
blazing...
later kids
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